Holy cow what just happened in this episode? Did anyone see that coming?! The whole episode, while it was a good one, was a lot of building again, much like the first episode, and then WHAM! Hello ending. And that’s really how it ended. When the song started and the credits rolled was anyone else going “whaaaaaa?!”. Poor Jamie. What a ride he went through.
But let’s start at the beginning. We are at Riverrun for the funeral of Lady Catelyn’s father. They send his body off in a boat and then try to light it on fire by shooting an arrow at the boat. Edmure, Catelyn’s brother, misses three times. Guess it would be too easy to light the fire before pushing the boat from shore? Clearly that’s not the Tully way. Instead let’s embarrass old Edmure until Uncle Brynden saves the day and fires the shot. He doesn’t even have to look to know it’s landing in the boat. Bad-Ass Blackfish man. Later Edmure suffers further embarrassment, this time at the hand of Robb, who is scolding him for not obeying orders. His attack on “The Mountain” left over 200 northerners dead and Robb’s plan for beating the Lannisters in shambles.
In King’s Landing, the Hand of the King, Tywin wastes no time exerting his dominance over everyone else. He has clearly called a meeting and every chair is lined up on the left side of the table except his own, which is at the head. The three henchmen, Varys, Littlefinger, and Pycelle take their seats at the left side. Cersei is not having it. She picks up a chair and brings it to the right side of the table next to her father. What an attitude. This next part is why I love Tyrion. He grabs the remaining chair on the left and drags it (yes, the chair is much larger than the dwarf), squeaky awkward sounds and all (to which it seems Tyrion thoroughly enjoyed this part), to the opposite head of the table directly across from his father. Boom, equals. Now to get down to business. Littlefinger wants to wed Catelyn’s sister Lysa in order to steal more support away from the Starks and gain more titles for himself as Lord of the Vale. Tyrion points out that Littlefinger cannot go because he is in charge of the crown’s finances and needs to be around Kingslanding to handle such matters. Tywin instead passes the job of Master of Coin to Tyrion in the most smug way possible and Cersei couldn’t be more happy.
Jamie Lannister and Brienne are now tied up and traveling with their captors. Jamie is still sulking over the fact he was beat by Brienne in their sword battle last episode. Their banter is funny and almost charming, maybe they could be friends if there wasn’t all this murder and threat of death and rape in the way. It even seems like he is looking out for her in a way when he informs her she is going to be raped by these men and she should just close her eyes and “pretend they’re Renly” to avoid being beaten to death.
Arya and her merrymen are now the “guests” of Thoros. The Hound, on the other hand, seems to be his prisoner. As they are leaving whatever tavern they were at Hot Pie declares he is staying and gives Arya some bread he made in the shape of a wolf. How sweet.
Back on the other side of the Wall, Mance orders the Wildlings and Jon Snow to climb over the Wall and attack Castle Black. This order, is of course after finding the mangled remains of some horses once owned by the Night’s Watch. What will Snow do? How are they so easily going to climb this giant wall?
Oh remember Theon Greyjoy getting tortured? Well the mysterious boy comes back and frees him, telling him to ride east because his sister is waiting for him. Well on Theon’s ride, his once captors chase him down and knock him off his horse. It looks like he is going to be taken in the most unpleasant of ways when all of the sudden the boy comes back, shoots an arrow through each of the men about to rape Theon and save him yet again. Who is this guy?
In Dragonstone Melisandre is leaving Stannis. He is not happy and wants to have another weird smoky demon baby with her but she says he is not strong enough and trying again will kill him. She then tells him there is another way to get the blood of the true king to have another child. How is this happening? Who knows, but Stannis does not look pleased.
Dany is still in Astapor considering buying the slave army. She decides to buy all 8,000 slave men for her army. The slave master scoffs at her and says she does not have the money to buy all of them. Of course his translator is much nicer than him when informing Dany of her inadequate funds. Then the unthinkable. Dany offers a dragon in exchange for all the men and the female translator. She only has 3 and she’s now giving them away?! Her advisors think this is ridiculous and tell her it’s a bad idea. She looks at them and continues with the deal. Apparently she knows what she’s doing. I’m glad someone does.
Back at King’s Landing Tyrion is collecting the financial ledgers from Littlefinger, which were of course hidden in the brothel. Then as a thank you gift for saving his life, Tyrion buys 3 of the prostitutes for his squire Poderick. Later on Poderick returns with the money Tyrion spent on the whores saying they had such a good time with him they refused to take his money. Tyrion and Bronn are flabbergasted and want all the details. Gross.
Again back to Jamie and Brienne. She did not take Jamie’s advice when it came to the men taking advantage of her because she has decided to fight back. Jamie, in an attempt to save her, let’s the captors know she is from the Sapphire Isle, and her father would pay more than his weight in sapphires if Brienne were to be returned to him unsullied. It apparently works and Brienne is released and tied back up against the tree but not getting raped so that’s a plus. Jamie continues trying to play Locke, the leader of these men, and get Locke to release him as well by saying his father will pay in gold for his return as well. He then asks to be taken down from the tree as he wants to lie on his back to sleep instead of in the uncomfortable position he is in now. Locke releases him from the tree and even asks if he would like something better for dinner. he throws Jamie down on a table and says “you’re nothing without your daddy and your daddy ain’t here” and brings the knife down on the table. Jamie screams. HE JUST CHOPPED OFF JAMIE LANNISTER’S HAND!!!! That just happened. Then the credits roll. WHAT IN THE WORLD JUST HAPPENED?!
See you next week GoT. Wow.